As we get more into the new year, I think about all the resolutions that were made. I wonder, what’s the point? If these things are so important, why don’t I just always do them? Why do I need to wait until a new year starts to be a better, improved version of myself? So, in place of resolutions, I just decided to be better. I’ve decided to not be so hard on myself and to always try to be my best.
One of my important changes is my patience. It’s definitely been a work in progress, but I must say that I’m actually making progress. When Carter is throwing a fit and screaming like crazy, I try to find out the problem and take care of it. I’ve learned that if we’re both screaming and throwing a fit, then it doesn’t help either one of us. He feeds off of my emotions, so as long as I can stay calm and patient, we’re okay. It gets tough though, I’ll admit it. One morning when we’re running late, of course, I dressed Carter ahead of time and continued with the morning routine. Well, since I had dressed him, he was ready to go. At that moment. Carter waits for no one. When he’s ready, everyone needs to be ready. Well, I wasn’t ready. So, he threw a fit. He was grabbing on my clothes and scratching me with his nails while he pulled at me. There I was trying to make sure I had everything, making sure the dog went outside to do her business, making sure I turned the straightener off, making sure Vanessa ate, and there was Carter-making everything ten times more difficult. I could feel my blood actually start to boil. I yelled at him to go in his room. He ran off, throwing his temper tantrum for more dramatics. I gathered my thoughts as well as my bags and went to the car to pack everything in. Purse-check. Bag-check. Carter’s bag-check. Vanessa’s school stuff-check. Back inside to get the kids and what did I find? An undressed Carter lying in his bed with tear stained cheeks. It was already 5 minutes past the time I wanted to leave the house and now I had to fight with this terror to get his clothes back on. And what a fight it was. Needless to say, I totally lost it. He totally lost it. We both just totally lost it.
It’s times like that when I just can’t seem to keep my patience. The level of shenanigans really gets out of hand sometimes and my frustration puts me in a chokehold and gets the best of me. Another one of my changes is my insane level of anxiety and control. I have the worst issues with those two. I worry about everything. EVERYTHING. And I always take it to another level. I think it’s justified, others think I’m crazy. Carter can be jumping around in the house or running and I’ll automatically freak out because he could trip or fall and hit his head on the corner of something. If he’s outside, I have to be able to see everything, because he could easily step in an ant pile and be attacked . Something like that actually happened before and we ended up in the ER with a very RED Carter. He was right in front of me in the front yard and I was talking to someone. Before I knew it, he was screaming and I had no idea what happened because he can’t tell me. Come to find out, he found a Capri Sun bag on the ground and started drinking. Apparently, there were ants all over it and he got bit. This wouldn’t have happened if my eyes were actually on him. So, see? I’m not crazy. Just cautious. I’m always one to try to stop something from possibly happening. If I can stop my kids from getting hurt, then I’m happy. But, I’m told that I can’t stop them from getting hurt because I can’t watch them all the time. Think of what this does for my control issues. I am a major control freak. My nerves get bad if I can’t control a situation. I don’t know how I turned out like this, but it’s definitely not how I want to be. Which is why I’m making an attempt to worry less and not be in control all the time.
We’ll see how it goes. So far, so good. But we’re still in January!
P.S. I have anxiety about posting this blog. Did I spell everything correctly? Do my subjects and verbs agree? Is it too long? I’ll triple check it later.