My Daily Dose of Autism

I think last night we made a new record. Another bad night. Third night in a row. It’s definitely taking a toll on me. I handled Carter’s tantrum much better last night than the night before, but not understanding his issues is really exhausting.

It all started at the ballpark. We were there for Vanessa’s softball game. It had gotten pretty cold and Carter wouldn’t keep his jacket on. I know autistic kids don’t feel things the same way others do, but he had goosebumps and I just wanted him to keep his jacket on to be sure. Any other time I would put his jacket on him he never wanted to take it off. Even if he was sweating! Now all of a sudden he didn’t want anything to do with his jacket. Go figure. Story of my life.

I decided I should just take him home since it was cold. He was playing a game on the iPad and being well behaved, but I just didn’t want to risk him getting sick. So I told him it was time to go. He didn’t like that. He started walking toward the concession stand, so I figured I could get him some french fries to eat in the way home to soften the blow. Instead of listening to me and getting in line, Carter was trying to go inside the concession building. Here we go. I knew no good could come next. I grabbed Carter’s hand and tried to pick him up. Well, he squirmed out of my grasp and started whining. Ok, time to go. Deep breath. This was going to be a long walk to the car.

There I was with my giant purse, Carter’s diaper bag, the iPad, Carter’s big blanket (tried to keep that on him too) and a tantrum throwing Carter. I held his hand as I walked quickly to the car. Of course I parked on the other side of the park, so that was awesome. I picked Carter up thinking it would be faster if I carried him instead of dragging him, but 5 steps later he was barely in my arms. I didn’t even look to see if any of the parents were staring at me with their judging faces. All I was able to focus on was getting to the car. Out of everyone’s watch.

As I fought to get Carter into the carseat I thought about how the tables have turned on me. I thought about when I used to see parents with not very well behaved children. You know the kids I’m talking about. Just bad. Running around like crazy, screaming, fussing, and acting a fool! And the parents? No control. I used to just shake my head and wonder why those parents couldn’t control those devil children. I guess I thought I had all the answers. Vanessa didn’t have those behavioral issues. She understood the power of “the look”. And if she was feeling fresh or brave, she understood the power of a good threat. Carter, on the other hand, he just doesn’t get it. The powers I have don’t work on Carter. So I’m that parent now. Deflated. Powerless. Lack of control. No answers. So I guess what goes around really does come back around. Crap. Is it too late to apologize for my judgements and superior attitude? I definitely realize the errors in my judgement and cluelessness to the situations of others.

Needless to say, Carter was upset when it was time to go to bed. He threw himself around for a bit and clung to me. I decided to lay in bed with him and just comfort him instead of giving him another dose of tough love. It worked. He calmed down a lot quicker and when I left his room he didn’t fuss. About 10 minutes later he fell asleep.

I just don’t want this to turn into a habit. I wondered if Carter was suddenly scared if the dark, but his TV was on and he has a night light. Just to count that out though, I’m going to put a lamp in his room today. Let’s see how tonight goes. Fingers crossed. Wish me luck.

Carter throwing a fit. Having a child kick the back if your seat is definitely a test of patience!

3 thoughts on “My Daily Dose of Autism”

  1. I have had my seat kicked so many times I can’t remember. It is so hard with a child with autism. My prayers go to you and hope you get your share of breaks or free time. God bless and know that God is with you, ever present. Sometimes, out in public, even now, I have to stop and ask God what to do, because it can be so embarrassing, and the answers do seem to come, so best wishes to you!!


    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Sometimes you feel so alone even though you know you’re not the only one who has difficulties. The funny thing about my breaks and free time is that I think about how I can do better and I stress about what I’ve done wrong. It’s a vicious cycle.


  2. It’s so hard to step back from your situation, but I have to do this sometimes. What a great challenge he has given to us, but God gets us through those moments somehow. God bless you and your wonderful family.


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