Shhhh…..do you hear that? It’s silence. For the first time in a long time, all is silent….for longer than 5 seconds. And silence really is golden. I’m all alone in this house and I’m actually deciding to enjoy the quiet. To enjoy doing nothing. To close my eyes and listen to the wind blowing outside.
I would normally take my free time and research some gluten free recipes or do another search on autism related stuff. I would decide to work out and then do something else instead, like laundry (it’s the lesser of two evils). I would normally do something productive because for some reason I find it difficult to sit still.
But for right now….this is productive. Sitting here. Alone with my thoughts. Not moving. I take this moment and put some things into perspective. I think about how insecure I can be. How indecisive I am. How I always have to move. I think about how paranoid I am. How incredibly overprotective I am. I always have to be right. I’m never wrong. My way is the only way. I stress and over analyze e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Every little thing. I participate way too much in self-loathing and self-pity. I’m too harsh. I’m too nice. I’m too sarcastic. I’m too kind. I’m too loud. I’m too quiet. I’m to nieve. I’m too suspicious. I’m not perfect! Gasp!!
I am my own worst enemy. I am my toughest critic. I am incredibly insecure, but I’ll always show confidence. I have a slight air of arrogance sometimes. It’s just a facade. I like facades. I’m an oxymoron. Or maybe I’m just a moron.
Maybe this silence is deadly and not so golden. Pointing out my negative qualities isn’t really relaxing at all. It’s actually making me sad. It’s definitely time for a change. And I have a lot of changing to do. This is going to take a while.
Somebody, please bring in the chaos! Quiet time is over!